Incumbent: Rev C Jong-Il, MA, BBC, GAY, EGGHEAD (cont'd p94)
Well, it's that time of the year again, when we in the parish gather for our Annual Sports Day, being held this year "oop North" (as my Yorkshire friend Brian, from the checkout at Tesco's would say!), in the fine resort of Whitley Bay. I say "fine resort" because everyone tells me that it is, and I am sure they are right, although unfortunately, I will not be there myself to see it, as I have to wash my hair this week. I have to say that I been very saddened by the tittle-tattle that has emanated from certain parishioners (no names, no packdrill, Ms Barnes!), regarding my absence. Some have suggested that my failure to attend and preach my traditional closing sermon may in some way be connected with a continuing grudge, over the unpleasantness at last year's Sports Day in Sheffield, when certain nosey busybodies objected to the "I love opposite-coloured bishops!" t-shirt, that I had been intending to wear over my cassock. Such hurtful smears have no place in our church, which, as you all know, is based on the sacred principle of forgiveness of one's enemies (even interfering old crones like that mad Geordie cow!). Let me remind the parishioners concerned of what Our Lord said about such situations: "He that wouldst allow the sun to go down on his wrath shall spend eternity reading the Daily Mail" (St Paul's Letter to the Journalists, 13:45). That's not a fate I would wish on my worst enemy, not even that barmy Scottish arbiter she hangs around with!
Yours ever, Conor
Message from the Churchwarden, Mr Farthing
I would like to remind all parishioners that, with effect from 1 August this year, compulsory tithes will be required from all persons resident within the parish boundaries. There will be NO EXCEPTIONS to this rule, so please don't try on any of this old fanny about "I only come to 3-4 services per year, so can't I just put 54p in the collection plate each time, like I always used to?". However, in recognition of the fact that the new system has caused some concerns amongst many parishioners, and in the spirit of ecumenical tolerance characteristic of our church, I have decided that on the first occasion of late payment, parishioners will not face the traditional punishment of excommunication, but will merely be given a "gentle reminder" by our two local baseball-playing twins, Doug and Dinsdale Piranha. I trust this generous Christian gesture on my part will be appreciated by some of the "moaning minnies" in our parish. Yes, I mean you, Mr de Coverly!
Financial update from the Parish Treasurer
A number of parishioners have enquired about the amount of shekels remaining in the Parish collection plate. Unfortunately, due to pressure of work and other difficulties, I have not yet been able to count the money concerned, and I am still waiting for the Vicar to supply the till receipts from last month's "Bring & Buy Sale", and also to confirm which of the coins found in the bottom of the tombola belong to him personally, and which he holds in his capacity as Chairman of the Diocesan Church Roof Restoration Committee. However, I am sure everything is ship-shape and above board! (You're fired. - CJ)
I am still waiting for your explanation of the fact that you appear to have authorised the latest St Caissa's evangelical mission to Lausanne two days before the relevant meeting of the Parish Evangelist Sub-Committee...
Hamish McFrazer, Chairman, Scottish Presbyterian Arbiting Committee
[Unfortunately, Mr McFrazer's letter has had to be cut for reasons of space, and to prevent him embarrassing himself any further with his ludicrous allegations and conspiracy theories against the Vicar]