I am therefore delighted to announce the establishment of the annual Earwig, Rodent and other Nauseating Irritants awards, aka the Ernies. As well as the top award, for Termite of the Year, we will also have other much-coveted Ernies, such as Best Supporting Termite, Best Spelling Mistake by a Termite, and Best Use of a Non-Sequitur in Argument by a Termite. The special Reuben Stewpot Trophy will be awarded to the termite who has made most uses of the perpendicular pronoun in postings on the Egregious Chess Forum over the previous 12 months. Those unlucky enough to miss out on a main award need not despair either, as they always have the possibility of winning one of our special Lifetime Non-Achievement Awards, something for which I expect there to be especially fierce competition amongst the termites.
Yes, you too could own one of these life-size statuettes of Reuben Stewpot! (photo: en.wikipedia.org)
The annual Ernies Night Awards Dinner, hopefully to be staged at Simpsons-in-the-Strand, on 30 February 2013, will be hosted by a world-famous celebrity, of whom you have never heard. The occasion will also see the delivery of the inaugural Dimwit Lecture. It had been intended that this would be given by the distinguished biographer, Mr Paul McClown, but unfortunately, he recently informed us that, despite 12 months' intensive work on his speech, he has still only got as far as "My Lords, ladies and gentlemen", and he remains unsure about the last three words. However, we are delighted to announce that Mr Ernie "Good Moaning" Crabtree, the distinguished former member of HM Constabulary, has agreed to step in at short notice, and will be speaking on the subject of "The impoct of globle finansing on the chess live of Cleveland, 2001-2012 - a cast-benifet analisis".
It promises to be a memorable occasion and tickets will go on sale shortly. All proceeds from the event will be invested in shares of Rentokil, manufacturers of some of the word's most effective pest control remedies. In accordance with best practice in the chess world, full accounts for the event will be published in due course, although we are unable to say precisely when this will happen or which of the relevant transactions will actually be recorded in those accounts, and there may also be difficulties in distinguishing between monies expended by myself in my personal capacity, and monies expended by me in my capacity as President of The Termite Extinction Society. But I assure you that everything will be above board, so I am sure that will be OK.