"Shakespeare wrote Times chess column" storm

The world of chess was plunged into controversy last night, after it was claimed that the world-famous Times chess column, which for decades has been assumed to have been written by Ray "The Penguin" Keene, was actually written by Shakespeare and a group of other writers. "This is the greatest piece of plagiarism in the entire history of the universe", claimed Mr E Justin Termite, Regius Professor of Psychological Imbalance, at the University of South Bishopsgate (formerly Bedlam Mental Hospital). "Every word of the Times column has been copied from other great works of literature", claimed Professor Termite.

In evidence, the Professor referred to the following statement by Keene yesterday, on the @Times_chess Twitter account:

"i think nigel short will drop out of the event and become a commentator"

"This is the most appalling piece of unacknowledged intellectual property theft that I have ever come across. Not only has Keene blatantly stolen the pronoun "I" from the opening words of John's Gospel, but it is perfectly apparent that the word "short" has been shamelessly copied wholesale, and without a shred of acknowledgement, from Ratcliffe's speech to Hastings in Shakespeare's Richard III:

"Make a short shrift":
(Richard III, Act 3, Scene 4. 94-97)

Other critics of Keene were quick to make similar claims. Retired police officer, Ernie "Good Moaning" Crabtree, drew attention to a recent Keene Tweet, which read "Thanks for update". Crabtree said "This is quote clairly a blootant peace of cipying from Shokespar, to wit:

"I can no other answer make but thanks,
And thanks, and ever thanks..."
--Sebastian, Twelfth Night, Act 3, scene 3


Keene denied the allegations, telling journalists last night, "Verily is this the winter of our discontent. It is a truth universally acknowledged that he's mad, 'tis true,' tis true, 'tis pity, and pity' tis 'tis true - yet there be no method in't".

When asked by journalists what he thought should be done about Keene, Professor Termite, who also moonlights as a part-time London taxi driver, said "You know what I'd do wiv' 'im? String 'im up, that's what! That's the only language these people understand. I 'ad that George Harrison in the back o' the cab once, y'know..." (at this point, the press conference was interrupted, as Professor Termite was carried away by several men in white coats).


William Shakespeare is 548.